The Alarmist

Shalem seen here full on amped to share knowledge of America's Pastime

During the upcoming  celebration of James Terzis 26′th year on planet earth, old friend and current roommate Shalem Avitan is eager to deliver a relevant fact about his favorite Chicago baseball franchise The Chicago White Sox.

“I love baseball. (pauses to read text ) ”Been a fan my whole life.” He bluntly states while at the same finalizing dinner plans with his long time girlfriend Alexis on his T- Mobile black berry

“I can see it now, Matt Simons on his third beer going on about his precious Cubbies.” At this point I notice Shalem clutching a Tumbler of  Whiskey near a rather large fireplace.

(he takes a large swig and then proceeds to throw the Tumbler into the fire)

“Little does he know Avitan’s on his A-Game” Shalem slowly walks to a nearby  closet where he produces a freshly pressed White Sox Jersey that he very carefully puts on.

“It’s gonna be more perfect then the Game  Buehrle pitched against The Blue Rays on July 23rd 2009!”

Douche Bag exiting film that affected him

What the fuck are you looking at retard? You wanna step up? Cause I only came here to do two things. Fuck up pussy shits like you and review the new Judd Apatow film “Funny People”. while fingering my girlfriend Denise!
Now first off I gotta say that the kid behind the counter was begging for a fucking beating. I go “Hey, make sure you don’t put too much ice in my cherry coke, cause I will send it back.” And then that little bitch mumbles something under his breath and I go “What’s that slick?”
and then he’s all “I didn’t say anything sir”
So I stare him down for like half a minute and then pay and have a hard make out session with Denise. While in
our seats I noticed how relaxing the chairs were and how the subtle design of the theaters interior blended with the lobby perfectly. I also noticed mister cell phone chatting away during the previews. I go “Hey Chatty Cathy, hang the fucking phone up before I wring your neck” which judging on the volume of my voice and how it traveled tru da room, I could tell that the acoustics were gonna be Immaculate.
The film follows a rich and famous veteran comedian (George Simmons) struggle to cope with his terminal illness and his lack of true friendships. Seth Rogen plays Ira Wright, a wet behind the ears comedian Sandler takes under his wing.

The opening scene reminded the viewer that youth is fleeting and that simple lives free of materials and monetary success can sometimes be much more blissful. During what I felt was the emotional climax of the scene Dr. Cough and sneeze over here ruins it for me. I go “Hey dip shit if you’re sick do the world a favor and stay home. Now stop coughing and sneezing before I slap your wig off you old wrinkled piece of shit!

A boisterous first hour builds good will. Strong performances sustain us through the next uneven 90 minutes. All in all I found the film to be Apatow’s best work to date. Meanwhile my girlfriend Denise was going fucking crazy cause my fingers were doing the hand dance inside her women club. You know whad I mean? You know whad I mean? High five hit!
My only complaint was that fucking Aussie bastard Eric Bana. What the fuck is this guy’s problem? The movie is going on along fine and hen Mr. Muscles in a tight t-shirt comes waltzing in to throw the pace of the actors off. If he thinks he can lift more then me he is for a big surprise pal!

Henderson Goldwater writes rich people Congress asking for larger bills

An Open letter to the fair people on this planet
I urge every single human being on this wonderful planet to calm down. I know economic hardships have us feeling “on edge”, but it’s all the more reason we should keep our wits about us. After all, I can assure you with great certainty that I am going to be just fine. Even on the off chance that I lost what you and the other fast food eating G.E.D recipients consider to be a lot of “money” I doubt I would even notice because most of the time it’s not my money.

Have you ever paid two men to fight to the death? Have you ever done it while getting a blow job from Oprah? And you’re worried about me?

” Hello!”

Didn’t you come out of retirement last month to start working day shifts at 7-11? I told you not to not give me your life savings. How was I supposed to know I knew it would go belly up? And sure a lesser man might have forged the paperwork and kept the money, or accepted large sums of bail out funds from the government despite our failure as bankers and human beings. But you need not worry, I did both. Now lets end all this silly concern over little old me and get back to me not caring about the hellish wave of darkness hanging over you and everyone you know as a result of my indifference.