“It feels like just yesterday it was February and that nice retarded boy got the promotion instead of me, or the first day of spring when Alice and I got drunk and she said my penis reminded her of that hot dog gum she used to love to chew in grade school. Now its already December and I have to start sitting down and seriously contemplate suicide”

Amongst the many blunders of ‘04, is Hal’s most memorable: being mistaken on more than one occasion for the registered child molester who recently moved into his quaint Evanston neighborhood.

“In retrospect buying that large and inconspicuous van with no passenger side door release was not the wisest choice. Nor was growing that thick mustache and purchasing those creepy sunglasses,” Hal commented as he searched for the best noose knot on the popular search engine Askjeeves..com

"This year I didn’t get lazy about it. During thanksgiving dinner when my dad admitted in a drunken stupor that he was trying to drown me that summer on the family trip to Florida, I decided not to wait till the last minute to seriously consider ending this Fred Flintstone cum shot I call an existence."

Besides, revising a final draft for his suicide letter and chalking up as much debt as possible Hal has narrowed down his methods to the classic hanging himself and the less popular, but more dramatic, stabbing himself in the heart. Hal’s biggest fear is that right after he goes through with it the highly rumored Alf reunion is finally gonna happen